Today is a happy day, took lil man to carvery and he was happy too.
I also feel like a fat guy in a skinny mans body.
I love my Sunday’s with lil man, they make everything feel whole, he never fails to make me smile and laugh.
As always though, the time spend is always too short and flies by, it’s kind of depressing really.
There are still things that annoy me, I know they shouldn’t by now but I’m his dad, and hate the fact someone is there replacing me, well it feels that way, every dad feels the same.
I didn’t get my call yesterday because, and I quote, “he’s having daddy time”.
No he fucking isn’t he’s not with me so how can he be having daddy time?huh? So fucking frustrating.
Obviously I kept my mouth shut, so as not to end up with an arguement that will never be won, if just feels like he’s been forced into calling him “daddy”. He may not have obviously, but shit me I’m his dad.
It would be understandable if I wasn’t around, it would even be understandable if I was an asshole, but I’m completely and utterly devoted to that kid, he wants for nothing (within reason, hey he’s not spoilt).
I call him every day at 5pm, on the dot without fail, even at work they know at 5pm I call my son and noone will ever ever stop me. They respect that, family comes 1st. Being a lil dude with autism, everything have to stay the same mostly. So that is why I call at the same time EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Sometimes it’s a few minutes out, with valid reasons, but that’s fine. There are times he’s having a meltdown, she refuses to answer the phone, or when she doesn’t hear the phone ringing, but still I call at 5pm and try a few times but I never fail to keep up my end of the bargain with him.
Even though I’m the asshole that calls at random times, changing the call time to suit me and letting him down.
Hmm ….. my phone records say different.
You see this fruit of my loin is my everything, my life would be nothing without him, that’s why I’m dedicated to him, and would do anything to keep him happy.
It’s funny really because 90% of the time he’s having a meltdown, the only person he listens to is me. The only person he will calm down for or chill.
One Sunday every month is true daddies day.
Now I’m not being sour, honestly I’m not, and I’m glad he is close and happy enough to call him dad, no seriously I am, he does a lot for my son, maybe too much if you know what I mean, but really I’m happy and glad he can have that connection with his, let’s just call him what he is eh?, step-dad to be (as they aren’t yet married, different story altogether). Even though I call my step-dad DAD but hey he married my mum and he’s been there unlike my dad who fucked off when I was 3, you may have read about that in a previous blog, if not, I’ll tell that story in a second.
So yeah I’m not sour at all, I’m happy he’s got someone else in his life, and hell he may be awesome I haven’t really got to know him too well, come on how many dads and step-dads go out with each other for a pint eh? Trust me he wouldn’t be able to keep up, wink wink.
No bad mouthing anyone before you think so.
The thing is, she is the one who, it feels like, is rubbing it in my face
As he spends more time with him than me, not jealous, ok maybe a it, but I’ll admit and not ashamed to admit that I’m envious of him.
(Previous blog’s linked in below, read the rest of this one then scoop back up so you don’t get lost, if you want too)
Thing is at the end of the day, he will still not have that bond with him that we have, as said in a previous blog (an all rounder awesome day and a very emotional afternoon), excuse the spelling mistakes and layout this was a blog from my early blogging days.
Reading that blog again, made me emotional as fuck, he still has that look in his eyes every time I leave him, and it fucking kills me readers, it truely does.
I also went through a few more blogs about my son, when trying to find that one, and got me proper emotional as fuck.
Of course I came across the story of his life so far (at the time) maybe I should do a redo of it lol, happy birthday lil man i love you.
I hate being away from him, I hate not seeing him when I wake up, I hate not putting him to bed and I hate not being able to read him a bed time story.
Not being there when he’s upset, not being there when he hurts himself, not being there when he has a nightmare, not knowing what he’s upto 24/7, not seeing every smile, not catching every tear, not being able to be there seeing him accomplish everything. So fucking much being missed, so much time passing by.
IT FUCKING KILLS ME EVERY DAY.
That being said, like every parent, no matter how much they like to deny, something they may never admit too, but I will.
You know being round your kids everyday, all day, you still miss a hell of a lot, maybe even more. I don’t care who you are, or how much of a (what’s the words, shit, erm ….. you know when your always there and never miss anything ….. come on grrr, like attending but not …… ah here it is) “present” parent you are, or brag to be, you take advantage of them being there.
Trust me, you do, every parent does, every parent, mother, father or guardian, shit even grandparents, always do this one or few things, they say “hang on”, or “show me in a minute” or the crown jewel of every present parent …..
“I’m busy” or “I’m tired”
Fuck me, thinking how many times I’ve said that, to my own kids, something I said I would never do, too many times I’ve said “I’m busy, hang on”, “I’m tired, I’ll play later”. No matter who you are, you have done this at least once in the past week, maybe even today. Think about it for a moment, I bet you have.
I will, and you will, never ever get that time back, that one thing they wanted to show you has now passed, it isn’t special anymore, that one thing they wanted to play is not not so interesting to them, because it wasn’t to you at that time, that one thing they have done for the first time, will be the 2nd or 3rd time when you get time to watch them.
You dismiss them because your tired, I’ve done it, you ignore them because your busy, I’ve been there, you blank them because your pissed off, I’m guilty of that too. So are you.
All them times, even if it’s only once you have lost that, you have missed out, and you will regret it, trust me.
When you get I to a position like mine, you will realise, and you will have pure guilt running through your veins.
Now, I make the most of everything, every phone call I love hearing his voice, every second i spend with him I crave more.
I’ll do anything to see that smile on his face, I’ll do anything to hear that laugh and giggle, I’ll do anything whatsoever to even feel him, I hold his hand everywhere we go, if he asked for a cuddle I wrap my arms round him and hold him longer than last time, if he asks for a hug I pull him close and so tight I’m surprised he has any ribs left (trust me he hugs me tighter, stopping my breath most times), if he wants a kiss ill give him 10.
You see, when your there 24/7, or just get back from work and tired, or your partner has pissed you off so much (yeah to the max) you disappear into a different room to keep busy, you don’t pay as much attention as you should.
When your away from them for long stretches, you regret it, and you want to make the most of every second. Trust me, give that love back before you miss out.
The love between a parent and child (you can see more when your apart, kind of like seeing more with your eyes closed kind of thing) is just that, love.
It’s love in the purest form.
Nothing is more pure, nothing is more true, nothing is more powerful. No love can match up, not the love of the truest of romantic loves, no love for materials, no love for money or power, no love for success, no love at all can match the love of a parent and their kid.
Even if you have fallen out with your kid, or they say they hate you, that love will always overrule.
Any real parent would kill for their kid, even die for them, but the real challenge is living for them.
YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN TO LIVE FOR YOUR KID.
I’ll tell you something here, totally exclusive, totally open, and totally unafraid.
I’m scared of nothing in this world, I’ve been through some shit, and will probably go through more shit, but I am simply scared of fuck all.
I’m not scared of you, or your big concrete 10 men friend, I’m not scared of getting into trouble, I’m not scared of prison, I’m not scared of hospital, I’m not scared of a few bruises or broken bones, I’m not scared of ghosts or aliens or demons or the unknown or even god and definitely not the devil himself (that fucker probably bow down to me) Shit I’m not even scared of death, I see that as another adventure in life, per say.
BUT I am scared of one thing, and one thing only …..
I’M SCARED OF LOOSING MY KIDS.
Yeah I’m fucking petrified of loosing my kids, one way or another. To the point I have nightmares about it. My life would be nothing without my kids, they make everything worth it.
They make my life complete and whole.
So this is a message to every parent out there (or the ones reading this at least), don’t take advantage that they will always there. Never say “I’m busy” or “I’m tired”, you will never get that time back.
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