Hey peeps, just got back from the park with my son. I love every second I spend with him, he is my world. He got a bit emotional and upset today saying he don’t want me to leave him and he’s scared of loosing me. So i had to explain to him that I’m always going to be there, and I’ll always be his dad forever, and he will never loose me. It was hard to hear that from him though, hard to think he would ever think I would leave him or he would loose me because I think that every day I’m scared of loosing hin and scared he will leave me (like his mum stopping me seeing him) thats the biggest fear I have. Nothing scares me and I mean nothing, but the thought of loosing my son (like my daughter) in any way, shape or form scares the living shit out of me. To the point if I ever lost him I really don’t know what I’d do, my life would be over without him (not suicidal over, been there and thats not a good place to be for anyone and its not fair on the people who love you) to the point I would fight the world till the last day to see him again, even if it cost me everything or got me into further debt. If I lost him I’d probably turn into an evil fucker and hate everything and everyone. That’s how muh my kids mean to me, my daughter too, it kills me everyday knowing I’ve not seen her, it’s like loosing her over and over again every single day. It hurts and it hurts deep like a knife through my chest, but I hide it because my son needs me. One day I shall see her again and she can hear my side of the story and I just hope she forgives me for leaving. The thing is i had too, it wasn’t fair for her to see me and her mum arguing every time I picked her up, and it wasn’t fair that when we did argue she would get violent. Yes she actually would in front of our daughter, she once scratched the shit out of my face because I found someone else, and then another time (which was the last straw) she put a knife to my chest in front of her, that happened because I missed a maintenence payment (I was on a lower wage then and was paying £50 a week child maintenance without going through CSA, child support agency for those who dont know) that month I’d hurt myself at work so was only getting statutory sick pay, which was nothing, so i couldn’t pay that month so she flipped her lid and argued and put a kitchen knife to my chest, and not long after she went through CSA and said I’d never paid her anything so that fucked me up even more and got me into more debt. So that day of the knkfe incident I decided it wasn’t fair for my daughter to be seeing this. She didn’t need to see it and to protect her innocence I took a step back, but that step got bigger and bigger until the gap was too big. The gap got bigger because she wouldn’t let me call my daughter, and I wouldn’t go round because I knew it would end up in an argument every single time. Her mother wouldn’t let me go round to talk to her alone and send my daughter to her nans so we could come to an arrangement so I could see her, so yeah the gap got bigger and then became a chasm, which then became like the Grand Canyon. She made it impossible and noone understands that, all people see is I was a bad dad (people who don’t know me that is).
You see I’d do anything for my kids and that included pretty much fucking myself up to protect my daughter, but I always said I wouldn’t do it again, my son is everything to me (just like my daughter is) and I will mever make that mistake again. I never claim to be the perfect dad, I’ve made my own mistakes, but i fucking own them I don’t hide from them and I don’t deny that I made them. I’m far from perfect just like you. If i make a mistake I put my hand up and say yeah I fucked up I’m human shit happens. That also the same as being a parent I’m not the perfect dad and far from a perfect role model but i sure as hell will say with every ounce of my being, every cell of my brain and every beat of my fucking heart my kids always come 1st and I’ll will do anything for them and anything to protect them and sure as hell will do anything to make them happy.
Most dads get a bad name because the mum’s are always “perfect” not many people understand that theres always 2 sides to every story, and as both may not be the whole truth, there will be lies thrown in on both ends, there is always truth to both sides. My personal experience is what I believe to be the truth but at least I can admit when I’m wrong or made a mistake. It doesn’t help when you hear stories about “bad dads”, don’t get me wrong there are dads out there who don’t want to see their kids or pay for them. That then gives a bad name to the fathers who do. I mean come on I call my son every single day at the exact same time, and before the 1st lockdown I was seeing him every day. I would even leave work for an hour and go see him and take him to the park or to see buildings mainly shops (he’s obsessed with buildings, he has autism so thats one of his obsessions) and I would make the time back up at work after, but then again I was living at work to keep up with CSA (now its CMS, Child Maintenance Services) payment which got up to about I don’t know something like £350 a month each for 2 kids, so yeah i was paying around £700 a month for 2 kids. Stupid money yeah? Well I was killing myself at work to keep paying that. Until I moved to the main depot when I refused to do overtime until the payments came down. I was told i had to earn £1000 less each month BEFORE the payments came down. So I struggled through a year with no money to pay this and a few months ago its only came down to £268 each per month for CMS thats still £536 for CMS. I don’t moan about paying this as it’s for my kids, but I will moan that not all of this goes on the kids. I still spend money for my son to get this and that and even pocket money which i don’t mind because its for my son and I refuse to see him go without. Seriously though there has to be an easier way and a better way to make sure that money goes on the kids. At the end of the day it’s a hell of a lot of money. I also want to save some money for my kids when they get older so they can have a bit of a boost when then finish school, doesn’t everyone want that? I even want to save some money for when my times comes so my kids don’t have to struggle like I always have or like my mum always did. But these payments make it so hard to do this, its unbelieveable. All this while (in my case) the mother gets a free ride even after they took the piss and got my in £20k of debt as well as asking for more when payday comes because he needs this and that. Come on isn’t that taking the piss?
Anyway I don’t want to look like I’m bitching, I’m sorry peeps thats not what im doing, I’m just trying to get my point accross because not many people realise REAl dads don’t have it easy, its fucking hard and stressful and all I want to do is give my kids a better and easier life. Thats all that matters to me, that smile on my kids face is the be all and end all. Nothing else matters.
THANK YOU FOR READING.