Hey peeps, hope everyone is good and had a good day. So today I’ve had some selfish thoughts and some not so selfish thoughts. I’ve been thinking today I want a better car, and I want to get rid of this god damn £20k of debt and I’m just sick of all the shit that I’ve been screwed over with and left with. I mean 20k in debt and fuck all to show for it really apart from a 17 year old car, don’t get me wrong it’s a decent car but its showing problems now and it’s annoying because I can’t really afford to fic the problems it’s got (nothing to stop ot driving or make unsafe so don’t worry). It just seems like I do a lot for other people and nothing good really happens for me in the sense of getting a break and chance at something in life to actually make something of myself and earn that extra bit of cash to finally pay off debts. Don’t get me wrong I’m happy with life and money isn’t a thing that controls my life or it isn’t the thing that drives me. But a nice clean break would do me fine. If I could just start all over again with no debt (because all the debt I’ve accumulated the fucking ex has everything) every time I’ve moved on I’ve lost everything and this time feels like I’m stuck with nothing but a car, and not even a posh car at that. I mean come on how much can one person take. It’s depressing.
Don’t get me wrong I love my life at the moment. Even with not a lot of money or very much to call mine possession wise, I’m still surviving, but it just gets to me at times. So yeah I’ve had a bit of an emotional day feeling sorry for myself, it don’t happen often as you regulars know. But today it’s hit like a train. I can’t explain why it just happens.
But also thought about how I wanna get out there and do something with my life like actually getting something done for people who suffer with a stammer like me. It feels like I’ll never actually get chance to it or I actually don’t know how too. I mean yeah I went on the radio 2 and half mins of fame got some congrats ect. Then done the video and it hasn’t really done that well mostly due to the fact the sound quality was shitty and quiet but theres nothing I can do about that either at the moment because I can’t afford the shit to do it. So yeah nasty nasty cycle that just gets me down now and then. I mean retweeting and liking and sharing a video can only do so much. There will also a be a load of people just using that video to have a laugh at someone that can’t talk and pulls funky faces, they won’t actually look at the video and change. But thats only a few people who are assholes, the kind that would laugh in your face anyway. But that’s the kind of thing I want eradicated. I know rome wasn’t built in a day but i feel like what difference could I actually make? Will it make a difference?maybe maybe not. Who knows just yet.
It’s just I’ve always had shit happen and things go against me and nothing ever goes my way. Shit happens, but too much of that shit has happened to me, I just want to have a easy ride for once in my life, it seems like once one thing stops something else starts, there’s only so much one person can take. I also get the fact it isn’t just me that goes through shit other people do too but sometimes it’s ok to think about yourself, which I do very little of. I’m not the kind of person to sit here feelin sorry for myself I usually worry about other people’s problems and try to help them. So it’s fine that I sat and thought about myself for once, so don’t think I’m like this all the time.
I don’t mean to do a depressing blog but that’s how I feel today. Sorry peeps, you know I just get shit out better via blog. I’m also not after sympathy so don’t worry.
I hope everyone has had a good weekend anyway let me know what you been upto.
THANK YOU PEEPS FOR READING AND TAKING TIME TO HEAR ME.