Started off being a fun blog, ended up being a partial look into my past, and a dip into depressionville.

Good morning peeps, happy Monday. 1st off i want to say thank you to everyone for liking my shit. Also for coming back when you can, I know you can’t always come back every day and thats fine. I’ve had 100 likes so far and a few people saying my post thursday was enotional and it was a great story, thank you for that it’s still amazing to do this and I still appreciate you all so all I can say is thank you.

I’m into my 2nd month doing this now and I’m enjoying it so much. I’m sorry I didn’t post much over the weekend, my signal was crappy. Luckily I still managed to call my son so that’s a good thing. That being said I feel this blog is spreading nice, and its thanks to all you peeps I know I’ve said it before but I will always show my appreciation to you as this wouldn’t be successful without you. The only way i can say thank you is to keep creating my content and that I shall do. Way into the future you guys can say I was there when he 1st started (thats if i make it proper big) and I will always take you peeps with me.

So all that being said, yesterday i finally cleaned my car after about 6 months, (maybe more) yes i know thats way too long but I’ve been lazy and well couldn’t be arsed haha, ive got some new side lights for front of car, they were supposed to be blue but fitted them they were bright white with a hint of blue, hey ho they still look cool I’ll be getting some brighter headlight bulbs soon. I’ve also got some window tint, illnpost before and afters when I fit it. You may say it’s stupid because as i previously mentioned my boom boom box in a previous blog, but I just want to fix my car up and feel good while driving, my boy racer days are behind me I just want to drive round in a nice car. Its 17 years old so not new and not a classic but its a pearler, it may just be a Peugeot but its my Peugeot and its pretty damn nippy. I fill the tank up once a month, it usually lasts me all month so that costs about £60-£70 and i put the red-ex shit it when i fill it up. So that keeps it nice and smooth. I’ll be doing a service on it soon and a few friends have asked me to do theirs so one the weekends I’ll be doing about 4-5 services on cars. May as well do them all together right? I’m also going to be doing a bit to fix up my car to make it look and sound awesome.

I’m doing it for me as before I was always held back and had all my money spent on shit so I didnt have any money for myself (as stated in a previous blog) but now I’m fully in control of my own cash flow I can finally do this. It feels good to be my own person and do my own thing it’s done a lot for my confidence and character. I no longer feel repressed and depressed, and good god thats an awesome feeling. Before now I would have been bitched at for even doing this blog or making new friends or even spending money “we don’t have” on my car or even servicing my car, even though it was doing 10 times more mileage back then. Its liberating knowing I can do what the fuck I  want. Even though it’s still shitty I’m having to pay off debts i got fooled into getting into, yes some may say its your fault so don’t complain and pay your debts, but that isn’t always the case, some people feel like they can’t say no or controlled enough to do whatever their partner says even though inside they know it’s wrong (or maybe not at the time) they still do whatever the controller says or wants, and that includes buying shit they can’t afford for the controllers benifit. Then once you actually get the courage to leave, you feel bad, well they make you feel bad and make out your leaving them in the shit. Thats what i was told, I’m “selfish and leaving me in the shit” just because I want to get control over my own life. Also selfish because i stopped paying her bills a year (ish) after I left because she couldn’t be arsed to get out and get a job, even her “therapist said” I’m a waste of space and selfish for not supporting her, that’s even if a therapist would say that, I’ll let you decide. Even after I left i was still paying for her rent and electric and phone bill and food bill everything else that comes with running a house. Yet I’m the selfish one, in truth i only done that so my son wouldn’t be out of house and home but it was killing me financially, I couldn’t do anything or buy anything. Even then I was being controlled but then I even got the courage to start saying no, I said she has 3 months, I’ll continue to “help” for 3 more months so she can get sorted and she wouldn’t lift a finger. So a month before the arrangement was to conclude I said you have done fuck all to help yourself so its coming to an end. Ok so here’s the biggy, she still had access to my bank account (when i was with her I left all finances to her as I didnt have a clue, I’ll admit) so she then took all my money out my bank, (it was a poor months pay as i was doing less overtime and paying over the odds csa, we will come back to that) yes you heard that right she took 1300 out of my bank and transfered it to her new partners bank, and when i couldn’t even afford my own rent or food ect. I panicked and someone very special helped me that month (I paid them back over 2 months) but without them I wouldn’t have survived the month. So the next day i cancelled everything and told the bank what happened and they helped me sort out so only I could access my online banking and showed me how to use it. I was so grateful of Santander that day. Before all this I didnt know what I was going to do and broke down over the phone to Vikki and she kept a level head and helped me and continues to help me till this day get through all the bullshit. But when all this was done I was the selfish one for not paying to keep house over the head of my son. When i stood upto her (yes I realise even after I left she still had a certain control over me, and her main weapon was my son) I was getting phone calls, not just a phone call it was like 100s a day, and if I dared miss one I would have 100s of voicemails. I probably still have them, but it got to the point where I’d start ignoring her calls, and have voicemails saying shes sorry and it won’t happen again, but then it would happen again the exact same day. She said it was love but that was control, lets just say I had a day off work or working away on a course, and I didn’t tell her she would walk round my place or to my work and send a picture of it and say your not at work your not at home where are you?ect. Not stalking just trying to show that she wanted to remain in control. Once that control was stripped she lost her mind and that was MY fault.

See everything was my fault even things out of my control. When my grandad passed away and I went to the funeral i was left alone during the funeral service, but as soon as it came to the wake afterwards, it was all like what time you coming home you said you was only going to be an hour after the funeral (this was when we was still living together, and I was under her full control) personally I don’t think I actually said I’ll be an hour, maybe I did I dunno. Then I was there for most of the day and having calls and texts, slowly getting angrier because I started ignoring after a while. Then the guilt trip messages and voice mails started, like “I’ve been awake all night with your son, you said you will be back yo help” and “your being selfish now” and shit like “your family never cared about you so why are you ignoring me for them”, yes it was a time I’d drifted away from my family (mostly because of her i know may be wrong to say that and others will blame me but I hope they realise one day I was controlled and tricked into becoming more distant), and when I had a call off my mother back in the January saying my Grandad was ill and probably won’t last much longer I broke down and went to see him in his hospital bed. That was the 1st time I’d seen any of my family for a long time, maybe a year probably I’m not sure.

So after finding out my Grandad was practically dieing, I started spending more time with family (barely, just about seeing them) even then i was criticised for “letting them back into my head”, and told “remember they were the ones who nearly had you suicidal”. I realise now it wasn’t my family that got me to that point it was another influencer. I’m guessing you know who that may be. They gave my grandad 2 or 3 weeks to live from what i can remember, (sorry details are blurry as i tend to block a lot of shit out in my life, but doing these blogs helps my mind open up) and I worked it out it was 3 weeks to the day until my 30th birthday, that was scary. But he lasted another 4 months I think it was, as I said details are hazy but thats not the point. Then his funeral came which felt like forever to arrive, at this point i started drinking a lot of whiskey as we was arguing a lot about my family, thats why i kept distancing myself from my family because it was causing arguments because she didn’t like them or the way they were, which made life so difficult i pushed them away, and for that its hard for my family to trust me or forgive me again. But the main thing was I there for my nan and mother at the time and thats all i cared about at the time. So during these phone calls and messages I did ignore her and that did cause problems for me when i got back home. That’s also why I started distancing myself once again because it was so stressful I fell into depression again, thats when I said im leaving and she was tricking me into staying saying “they say after someone dies you shouldn’t make decisions on leaving someone for at least a year because its the grief thats making you leave”, in reality I was sick to death of all the controlling, as my grandads death taught me life is too short and I need to make something of myself. I wasn’t grieving properly (still feel like i haven’t, not properly). She was “there for me” but also trying to control me, which adds up to not really caring but scared to loose the easy life I provided. Then the big shit thing happened (may or may not come out in a further blog, I’m not whilling to share that as of yet, sorry peeps) I got arrested thats all you need to know (don’t worry i didn’t do nothing wrong I promise) and I was going through hell for a year, while still trying to grieve for me grandad. But I was alone, even though I “had her” I was still alone I felt like I had noone. Then eventually I did have noone for a time not even family. My son was the only thing keeping me going, and she only stood by me through it all because I was still paying. We split up a while before that and she couldn’t accept it and finally She made a new friend, who she got together with after he split up with his ex partner and within a month she was engaged again, yeah thats a story on itself, lets just say his grandad passed away and left him with money and a house to sell, say no fucking more eh?

Well that happened and none of my business, but personally I think it was because I eventually said I’m no longer supporting her. After that month she soon got down the job centre and started claiming, even though she kept saying through them 3 months that she can’t claim anything blah blah blah, she has to find a job ect. (Still not got a job by the way, just saying) so yeah I don’t know if your still reading this or got bored but thats just part of the story, sorry my fingers are aching and laptop isn’t working so I’ll leave it there for now. I hope it all makes sense and I’m sorry it’s like one of them films that jumps from one time to another and back again. I’m not a good story teller and never claimed to be. I write how it comes out in my head. Yes thats how fucked up my head is its a fucking mess haha. So maybe one day I can clear it up better and maybe even go into proper detail, i can’t fit my life story into a single blog I’m sorry its too fucked for that shit.



Categories:Rob's Blog

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