THE SANTABLOG SERIES
Day 22, only 3 more sleeps to go.
I have a lot of regrets throughout my life, and a lot of shit I’d love to take back or undo.
Nothing new there, surely?
I mean who hasn’t got regrets, who hasn’t done something they wish they could take back?
I’ve made a lot of decisions in the past, some were not even mine, some were forced upon me, some were manipulated to make me think it was the best thing to do, some were even turned into an ultimatum to make the path ahead go in a direction I didn’t want to choose.
Ok I know I said there wouldn’t be any depressing blogs leading up to Christmas, but bear with me and keep reading, there is a directionto this, an end point per say.
This time of year makes me think of family, if you hadn’t worked that out already.
Some family you can’t choose, some come and go, some even walk away or abandon you ect, but real family stick by you no matter what, even through all those bad times, through every bad decision.
Some give up on you, some stop talking to you, some let that wedge stick so deep and hard you can’t prise back out again.
Even so, I still find myself turning my thoughts to them at this time of year, well quite a lot this past couple of years.
I’ve tried the olive branch approach to book avail, I’ve tried talking and been ignored, I’ve tried spending a bit of time with them (not for ages, don’t get me wrong) but the feeling of (fuck can’t quite catch the word it there but it flies away as soon as see it so will just say….) being ignored and blanked and feeling like a ghost or not existing in their presence overwhelms me.
I’m not the kind of person to give up, and I’ve not given up, but I know when space is needed, and sometimes it’s a lot of space that’s required.
I often think am I even remembered by them? Am I even thought about, even during these jolly festive times? Do I even cross their minds? Do they even mention me during conversation?
I mean fuck me, it’s been such a long time since we spoke last, do they even remember what we fell out over?
I do, shit I really do, but it wasn’t even me talking, if was someone else talking through me, yes me being manipulated. Doesn’t that count for something?
I wasn’t fucking me at the time.
I was going through some shit, and a certain person took advantage of me, I couldn’t think for myself, and I couldn’t even make my own decisions.
I WAS DEEP IN DEPRESSION.
It’s true, I was way deep in depressionville I was struggling to even hold onto reality. The only person keeping me going (fuck even alive) was my son.
I tried explaining that once before, just to be told you can’t blame others, you can’t blame depression, you made the choices, you said what you said or did what you did ect.
Well it doesn’t work like that, if you have never been controlled (to the point you didn’t even have control over your own money) or manipulated, then you don’t know what it is like.
It’s a hardcore downward spiral, straight down the rabbit hole, round the cuckoos nest and back again twice over. Your whole mind, body and soul is not yours, it is being used for another’s bidding, someone who knows how to manipulate so good even others round you can’t see it.
I feel I was given up on, I tried reaching out in small ways, even during the very rare occasion I got to see them, even at my families biggest loss, I tried to give subtle hints. I needed help, I was falling so fucking deep, I was on the edge of a cliff, but no hands were reaching over to catch me.
Then again, how do you help someone who doesn’t feel like they need helping, but deep down you know you crave that help, but have no idea how to ask for it?
I get there though, in the end I got there on my own, I survived on my own, I managed on my own, for a short while, then the olive branches were extended, and a couple of them found their targets, but sometimes you run out of said olive branches.
The ones that matter are the ones that gripped them olive branches so fucking tight they never let go.
Many people come and go from your life.
You see people come and go in your life, very few remain till the end, those are the ones you need to grab a hold of and just keep them for dear life.
They are the ones that know the whole story, and they are the ones that mean the world to me, they don’t judge and they stood by me.
Those rare ones are the ones are everything to you, and your also everything to them. Never let them go.
Never let them slip away, even though given the chance they actually wont.
I have very few people in my life currently, and that is fine by me.
The ones that matter to me are by my side, what else can I ask for?
So this Christmas even though I will be thinking about everyone in my life, I’ll be happy to have the ones that are actually there.
One day, maybe one day, them olive branches will be accepted, but until then, I have who I need.
Grab the ones closest to you this Christmas and tell them what they mean to you, make sure you let them know you need them, make them understand why.
I’m not sure if used this one yet, but todays Christmas song is just perfect for this blog, and goes out to those who have truely stood by me, the ones who have always been there, new and old alike. The ones I know will be in my life till the end, you know who you are. (Now shut it you soppy fuckers)
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