To further my point of yesterday’s blog (music, writing, and new beginnings in 2025), music plays a big part in my life.

So today’s song choice is another deep one for me, which also reminds me of an old post from May 2023 (We are all alone, but we are alone together) If you want to read it.

The song reminds me of the times I’ve stepped into depression, more times than I can count. Not all of the experiences are other people’s fault, but most are. It’s too easy to place the blame on others who aren’t here to defend themselves, isn’t it?

MY FAULT.

I mean, in a certain aspect of things, I allowed it to happen. I allowed people in my past to take advantage of me and make me look like the bad guy. I allowed them to financially abuse me, also to mentally abuse me too. I allowed it to happen, and I allowed it to carry on for so long.

So is it my fault I fell into deep financial difficulties? Is it my fault I fell into depression, because of all these things?

These are the things I always say and ask myself.

Well, I fell into depression over a number of things, but these were the start or main cause.

I allowed these things to happen for so long, and I also always fell into the same kind of relationship. I was weak, and they preyed upon me for this reason. So it has got to be my fault, right? It has got to be my fault because I let them happen over and over again. I never learned my lesson, and I never noticed the red flags.

NOT YOUR FAULT.

Falling into depression is not your fault, and so I have to admit that falling into depression is not my fault.

It is the fault of the people who take advantage of you, of us.

If you have a good nature, there will always be people out there who will try to take advantage of you. You are not weak for this. You are not stupid. you are just too trusting.

Being trusting isn’t a bad thing. It isn’t a character flaw. It just shows you have a higher tolerance for bullshit. That, itself, isn’t a bad thing either, it shows you are strong on the inside. You just may not be able to show it on the outside.

Your confidence has been knocked down so far you purely don’t know how to pervey the confidence that you have. It’s normal, trust me. Once your confidence takes a good knocking it doesn’t take much to knock that confidence even more.

After that it is a downward spiral, and it’ll just keep falling and falling. You will end up feeling like you’re falling down an endless pit of despair, constantly dodging bullets and feeling like there is no end to this misery.

Once you hit rock bottom, you have no where else to go. You sliver down the bottom of the pit surrounded by moments of sadness and constantly feel like there is no way out. You start having anxiety over everything, even that job you do which you are fantastic at, you start making mistakes because you feel like you’re not good enough. People make jibes at your shoddy work because it helps them feel better and you start believing them because that’s how everyone sees you, right? But you carry on because you don’t give up.

I mean, you’re used to it now right?

You’re used to being the failure, used to being called the shit one, used to people making jokes about you and making you feel worse. You’re everyones emotional dumping ground now, but it’s fine because they can’t think any worse of you than you already think of yourself.

So you carry on, you take it in you’re stride becaue there is no way to get yourself out of this deep pit of despair. You’re on your own now, noone is really there for you, they are just nosey and want to know you’re misfortunes to help them feel better about their lives.

They even tell you about their shit lives, but you don’t care because they don’t really care, you’re the one stuck in the pit, looking up at all these people with their perfect lives while you’re wasting away.

People may help you, or at least try but you don’t recognise it as help.

You’re life feels like it means nothing, you feel like noone understands, hell, maybe they don’t. We all have our demons, we are all suffering alone. We are all stuck in our own pits of despair. Only you can climb out of it. You’re the only one who can help yourself get out of this pit, only you can guide yourself to the next ledge or little rock sticking out the wall of you’re pit.

Some people may be there to help, they may throw you down a rope to help you’re assent out of the pit, but they can’t pull you out, that’s all on you. That rope may slack at times and you fall a little before you catch yourself, these people helping you have their own life, their own pits to climb out of. They can only help you so much before they themselves become tired. They can’t hold you’re weight because they only have so much energy.

YOU’RE MISSION, YOU’RE CHALLENGE.

You’re escape from depression is you’re mission, you’re pit is you’re own personal challenge.

You deal with depression you’re way, you can either let depression take over and crawl into a ball up the corner of you’re pit, or you can fight, you can fight you’re way out of the pit. Have no delusions, fighting you’re way out of you’re pit will be the biggest fight you have ever encountered, you will face many demons on the way up, so so many little devils on you’re shoulder telling you that you will fail, telling you to give up because it’s not worth it. They may even tell you there is noone waiting up there for you, you’re on you’re own and it’s pointless. They will put you down so bad they will make you’re real life demons seem like pretty little fairies.

Trust me, they are all in you’re head, planted there by you’re doubts, placed there by you’re real life demons who knocked you down in the first place. Been laying there in self hatred for so long they are unrecognisable, not even to yourself.

Now you’re leaving them behind, and they are scared. They have had you for company for so long reveling in you’re failures and you’re self doubt that they will hate it when you try to break free. They will win, oh so many times they will win and you will fall. Many times they will succeed in keeping you down that pit just to keep you where they want you to be.

All this time you are growing stronger, every attempt to leave them behind, you get further and further every time, you’re becoming stronger, so never give up becuse you will succeed. There is only so long before you can break free, but you will. Every time you start to climb those demons will lose just that little bit more purchase, and soon enough you will break free.

You are strong enough, you just need to prove that to you’re demons, more so to yourself. That strength you build up will help each time you try again.

MISSION NOT SO COMPLETED.

Even when you escape you’re missin is not complete. It’ll never be complete, depression follows you round every corner, ready to jump out at you from every corner. Those demons you thought you left behind never really leave you. Forever you will have doubt, forever you will be fighting thse demons at every step. You remain hiding behind false smiles and that big wall you have built to protect yourself will always be crumbling. It doesn’t matter how much you try to repair it, those cracks will always find a way through, and there will always be people standing there with a sledge hammer to help that process.

That is the forever fight, the fight you will never ever win. Depression is relentless, depression isn’t afraid of anything. But it is you see, it’s afraid of being alone, that’s why it clings to everyone it can. So to combat this, you need to be stronger. You need to be less afraid. Depression will sometimes succeed in it’s little whispers in you’re ear telling you that resistance it futile, it will play trick on you and make you doubt yourslef in all hopes of dragging you back to that deep dark pit. Hell, it may succeed now and then, making you start all over again, but each time it’ll have just a little bit less hold over you. it’s inevitable that it’ll drag you down now and then, but you must continue to fight.

You will forever be building yourself back up, but you will become stronger with every step. You will become more confident, you’re steps will become bigger and that pull back to depression will always get weaker.

NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO, NEVER GIVE UP.

Break the habit of falling into that routine of feeling sorry for yourself, break the habit of falling back into thinking WHAT IF!

It’ll be difficult, but if i can do it, so can you. I know it’s easier said than done, trust me I know. I’ve fell into self loathing, i’ve felt sorry for myself, I’ve asked myself what if I did this differently? What did I do to deserve this? What do I do now?

I’ve even been through the stage of if I could go back in time what could i do differently? I mean, shit, if we could go back in time and change things, what help would that be?

Changing the past wouldn’t really change the present, would it? If you didn’t go through all those shit experiences, well, you wouldn’t be you, would you? well maybe you would, but a completely different version of yourself, so basically no you wouldn’t be you.

You would be this strong person, you wouldn’t be the potentially confident person you are going to become. You wouldn’t be wise, you wouldn’t have learned from these past mistake, so who says you wouldn’t fall into those traps anyway and end up worse because you’re older and dont know how to deal with it.

YOU JUST SIMPLY WOULDN’T BE YOU.

I am who I am today because of all the shit I’ve been through. I wouldn’t change anything from my past because I’m happy with the person I am today. I’m not happy with some of the choices i havve made, I’m not happy with the experiences I’ve faced, I’m not happy with the way some people have treated me or taken advantage of me. No I’m not happy with alot of things from my past.

I AM happy with the person I am today.

I AM stronger.

I AM confident.

I AM me.

I am stronger than I was, I am more confident than ever, I am the best version of me I could hope for.

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Thank you

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