Isn’t life funny?
Today I’m taking a step into the real world in this blog, and showing a little frustration and anger, please be warned there is a few choice words some may find offensive (If you’re a snowflake please leave now), this blog faces issues about depression and anxiety (also social anxiety) as this week we face mental health awareness week.
Life is funny right? I mean we have our ups and downs, we can have proper shitty days, bad days, good days and totally amazing days.
I was having some bad days recently, and by bad days I mean weeks if not months.
I felt like I wasn’t fitting in, I felt isolated and alone, I felt like pure utter shit.
I wasn’t enjoying work, and it was affecting every aspect of my life, I could feel depressionville creeping in slowly, inching it’s way closer step by step tickling and teasing my senses.
That feeling of something sneaking up behind you, the thing that makes the hair stand up at the back of your neck, the one that hides when you turn around, never seen but always there and you can sense it.
It was creeping and slithering away, I was trying to catch it but trying to catch something unseen is the most difficult thing to do ever.
It wasn’t anybodies fault but my own, I allowed shit to get to me, shit I vowed to never allow to play on my mind again, I built up walls so freaking high I struggle to see over it myself, but somehow it always finds a way to seep through those tiny cracks and find it’s way through that mine field undetected.
I’m a socially awkward person as it is, but when you have that feeling you’re not welcome somewhere it makes it so much worse.
As many of my avid readers know, I have a stutter, this coupled with social anxiety and social awkwardness makes for interesting reactions and very awkward silences, the looks on peoples faces also fuck me up and get to me more than i care to admit.
With all that being said, yeah I know I went a little off key there right? I was working in a garage, and things ended up totally different to how I thought it would, it’s possible some of it was my fault, but I will not accept full blame.
I decided to transfere to a different depot, and I’ve been there for 3 weeks now and I feel like I’m home, this is the place i want to be, everyone there is awesome and welcomed me in an amazing way and I actually feel like I’m part of a team.
Life is starting to become amazing again. I just thought I would get that in there.
On another tone.
Life is a funny thing, right? I mean real life, everything always seems difficult, everyone has their ups and downs but that goes without saying. Some say you’re life is planned out, everything that happens is meant to be, every decision you take has already been predetirmined, you’re fate is fixed, you are on the path you are meant to be on.
NAH, I CALL BULLSHIT.
YOU’RE life is your own, YOU’RE decisions are your own, YOUR’ER life is what YOU make it. Noting is predetermined and there is no pre planned path and you are not stuck on a track.
From the day you were born up till the day you go onto the next adventure the space before you is a massive field, you can go any direction you please, you can back track as much as you want, you can even perform “U” turns or you can just keep going forward until you run out of breath. The possibilities are endless, you are the person you want to be, you’re not the person you need to be, no one needs to be anything they don’t want to be.
All you need to do is live you’re life. Fuck what others think or say. You live you’re life you’re way, never ever let anyone else force you’re mind, or you’re decisions.
I know, easier said than done, and I will admit I need to take my own advice, but I will if you will, or at least i will try my best to, I promise.
My life has been far from perfect, I’ve had more downs than ups, my visits to depressionville still haunt me to this day. It is always sending me postcards to say “We hope you enjoyed you’re last visit with us, we miss you, you must pay us a visit again.” Trust me I never want to be there again, that’s why today I stand before you, during mental health awareness week, and I fuck you depression, fuck you anxiety, you will never get your sharp talons on me again, you can chase me for the rest of my life, no doubt you will, but the closer you get the faster and stronger I will run.
Also to those who talk about me behind my back, come say what you got to say to my face, don’t be scared because I’m not. The demons inside my head have all but abolished any kind of fear I may face in the real world.
If you got something to say about someone, just make sure they are no where near you before you speak, you never know where they may be or what they may hear, they may be just above you, just slightly out of sight, and as they may not intentionally eavesdrop sound travels. Just remember that.
I experience this quite a lot, even today, and as the people who do such things may never read this, I say to you please please don’t talk about me behind my back, if you got something to say please say it to my fucking face.
I don’t appreciate being talked about behind my back, I like to think I’m the nicest person in the world, but no one is 100% nice, right? No one is 100% awesome, and no one is 100% pure.
Don’t worry, what I have to say I say to peoples faces, i just need some time to chill and think about it, because I’m a nice guy and I don’t want to ruin friendships over a few choice words that were probably said in jest, but at least say them to my face so we can sort out any issues and get past any mistake I may have made, or if I may have disturbed or got in the way of any kind of unit or friendship.
Let’s face it at the end of the day the world doesn’t owe any of us any favours, life is life and I just want to live my life in the best possible way, I may not have any confidence in myself, and I may not be everyones cup of tea (even though I make a cracking cuppa), but I’m a damn loyal friend, I will do anything for anyone and will always be a damn good listener (not a good talker, but the best listeners don’t talk much) and I give amazing advice and if we are amazing friends I’ll help you hide that body, I got you’re back if you got mine.
Don’t let others define who you are, be anything and everything you want to be, live you’re life to the max, consequences be damned.
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- Mental health awareness month is gone, but mental health always remains.
- The world owes you nothing, live you’re life you’re way.
- We are all alone, but we are alone together.
- Music, brings so many emotions.
- It’s a tough life, but live it to the max.
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