THE SANTABLOG SERIES

DAY 16

Christmas is next week, I’m getting excited now, I won’t get much but I don’t want much. I just want to see people happy and smile, to me that’s what Christmas is about.

With all the bad stuff going on in the world it’s good for the soul to see the good stuff, everything on the news is depressing and alot of it is just shit to cause hysteria and depress the common folk even more.

That’s why we have to create our own joy and happines. Where best to start than close to home? Create some smiles for the family, make your friends laugh and help your work colleagues cheer up. Live, laugh, love, sing and dance. Share a smile and tell a funny story.

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I have a lot of regrets throughout my life, and a lot of shit I’d love to take back or undo.

Nothing new there, surely?

I mean who hasn’t got regrets, who hasn’t done something they wish they could take back?

I’ve made a few shitty decisions in my life, I’ve also made the same mistakes again because I let people take advantage and cause me problems, mostly because I’m a soppy fucker, or at least I was but I don’t know how to fix my problems.

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in the past, some were not even mine, some were forced upon me, some were manipulated to make me think it was the best thing to do, some were even turned into an ultimatum to make the path ahead go in a direction I didn’t want to choose and end up with me loosing the ones I hold most dear anyway.

Ok I know there shouldn’t be any depressing blogs leading up to Christmas, but bear with me and keep reading, there is a direction to this, an end point per say.

This time of year makes me think of family, if you hadn’t worked that out already.

You cant choose your family but family stick by you no matter what, even through all those bad times, through every bad decision even when you made those bad decisions a few times.

My mistakes were always my partners (ex girlfriends) and they caused me to make decisions to loose them, making me think the family were the problem in my life when it wasn’t, it was them.

Ultimately it was my fault for allowing such wedges to occur, but mostly because I allowed them to cause the problems but twist it to make it look like my families fault (to me) and my fault (to my family), so thus causing a big wedge between me and them which I’ve never really been able to fix and in all honesty I have no idea how to fix.

Even so, I still find myself turning my thoughts to them at this time of year, well quite a lot this past couple of years but even more so the past few months and days.

I’ve tried sending olive branches but they never reach, I’ve tried talking and got no response, I’ve even spoke to some and had some replies but then I’m the one having to make all the effort. Don’t get me wrong I should be making the effort but to what end? When will it be enough? How many times can you say sorry? How much begging is too much begging?

I’m not the kind of person to give up, and I’ve not given up, but I know when space is needed, and sometimes it’s a lot of space that’s required.

Next year though I will be making a big effort to fix things, you know? But the effort has to go both ways right?

I often think am I even remembered by them? Am I even thought about, even during these jolly festive times? Do I even cross their minds? Do they even mention me during conversation?

I mean fuck me, it’s been such a long time since we spoke last, do they even remember what we fell out over?

I do, shit I really do, but it wasn’t even me talking, if was someone else talking through me, yes me being manipulated. Doesn’t that count for something?

I wasn’t fucking me at the time.

I was going through some shit, and a certain person took advantage of me, I couldn’t think for myself, and I couldn’t even make my own decisions.

I WAS DEEP IN DEPRESSION.

It’s true, I was way deep in depressionville I was struggling to even hold onto reality. The only person keeping me going (fuck even alive) was my son.

I tried explaining that once before, just to be told you can’t blame others, you can’t blame depression, you made the choices, you said what you said or did what you did ect.

Well it doesn’t work like that, if you have never been controlled (to the point you didn’t even have control over your own money) or manipulated, then you don’t know what it is like.

It’s a hardcore downward spiral, straight down the rabbit hole, round the cuckoos nest and back again twice over. Your whole mind, body and soul is not yours, it is being used for another’s bidding, someone who knows how to manipulate so good even others round you can’t see it.

I feel I was given up on, I tried reaching out in small ways, even during the very rare occasion I got to see them, even at my families biggest loss, I tried to give subtle hints. I needed help, I was falling so fucking deep, I was on the edge of a cliff, but no hands were reaching over to catch me, not for long really.

Then again, how do you help someone who doesn’t feel like they need helping, but deep down you know you crave that help, but have no idea how to ask for it?

I get there though, in the end I got there on my own, I survived on my own, I managed on my own, for a short while, then the olive branches were extended, and a couple of them found their targets, but sometimes you run out of said olive branches.

The ones that matter are the ones that gripped them olive branches so fucking tight they never let go.

Many people come and go from your life.

You see people come and go in your life, very few remain till the end, those are the ones you need to grab a hold of and just keep them for dear life.

They are the ones that know the whole story, and they are the ones that mean the world to me, they don’t judge and they stood by me.

Those rare ones are the ones are everything to you, and your also everything to them. Never let them go.

Never let them slip away, even though given the chance they actually wont.

I have very few people in my life currently, and that is fine by me.

The ones that matter to me are by my side, what else can I ask for?

All I can say to the family I love, even now, even after not seeing you for such a long time, I love you and I hope we can fix things, I hope 2025 we can be whole again I hope I can be accepted once more and I know it will never happen again. Noone and nothing will come between us again, my mistakes have been learned (quiet a few times, I know, you don’t have to tell me ….. also I’ve grown up, im now my own keeper and im now my own man and if i know you well enough, most of you will say “It’s about fucking time” and you are right). If any of you read this I miss you and I love you and I’m sorry from the bottom of my heart and through my whole soul.

Also to everyone out there reading this today (and in the future) grab the ones closest to you this Christmas and tell them what they mean to you, make sure you let them know you need them and make them understand why.

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THEPLAINANDSIMPLEGUY

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• The SantaBlog Series, Day 20. (The Small Moments That Matter)
• The SantaBlog Series, Day 19. (What Still Remains)
• The SantaBlog Series, Day 18. (How Santa Became What We Know Today)
• The SantaBlog Series, Day 17. (Christmas Is What We Choose to Be)
• The SantaBlog Series, Day 16. (Why We Still Believe in Christmas)