Hey peeps, how’s life treating you?

I know it’s a late one but I went to have a late cuppa with my mum and stepdad, not seen them for a few weeks.

Today I’ve come to a realisation, you regular readers and my friends know that I’m a happy guy, I enjoy life to the max, I don’t let anything get me down.

I also do anything to make people smile, 99% of the time I succeed, I do anything to help anyone, I’m always putting myself out for other people and will do anything to make someones life a bit easier.

Now I’m not bragging or bigging myself up, it is purely just the kind of guy I am.

As my pseudonym says (my blogger name, aka made up name) I’m just a plain and simple guy, that’s why I chose it, I’m noone special, I’m just a normal everyday person like you.

As I say I’m just a plain and happy guy, and I feel down sometimes.

This week though I don’t really know what’s going on, I’m feeling down as fuck, angry and pissed off with everything. I can’t say I’m feeling sorry for myself but life is just getting to me I think. Everything is building, it has been for a while I guess.

Now don’t get me wrong at all, please I’m not after sympathy, I don’t do well with that at all, I’m not after charity or an “it’ll be ok, everything will work out” kind of bullshit.

It’s been like that for too many years, everything will work out, everything will be ok. Your time will come, ect.

It’s bullshit.

If everything will be ok, I wouldn’t feel like this from time to time, I wouldn’t be in £20,000 of debt, I’d have a damn decent sexy looking car like every fucker else.

I wouldn’t have been fucked over by a few people, you know the kind that say I love you, when in reality all the loved was your money.

I would have real friends, you know the ones that wouldn’t run off at the 1st sign of trouble. Yeah the ones that actually message or call you now and then to remind you they are there for you.

I have one of them friends at work at the moment, one friend I know I can talk to, one friend that if I called them now they would come over and have a few beers and smokes with me, but he’s got his own struggles. He’s got his own problems. But I know he’s there, and he knows if he called me now I’d be round there even now, at 1.30am.

That doesn’t stop this darkness floating over my head, ready to cone down on me like a tonne of bricks. This black hole just ready to suck me into the endless pressure and dsrkness.

I’m angry at everything, I go to work and it’s frustrating as fuck, I’m doing some shitty jobs at the moment this week, and it feels like I’m not getting anywhere. I’m helping everyone who asks, I’m having to dig every job out the back of a row of trucks, then also the yard is just so difficult to navigate with all the truck parked up.

Then comes the end of the job, having to manoeuvre everything round to park up the vehicle, so it’s not dumped in the middle blocking everything off.

Then comes the half finished jobs, I’m having to fuck about to finish this off then that off, then doing MOT shit. It’s all getting me ggggrrrrrrrr, fuck me it’s hard work.

It never usually phases me, but the way I’m feeling at the moment it’s really getting to me. I don’t usually let it, but something has got a hold of me and it’s got a damn good grip and won’t fucking let go.

It’s that shadow trying to pull me in with all it’s mighty strength.

It’s not work though, I love my job, I love what I do.

It’s just life, life is fucking fucked.

Just the fact that I do anything and everything for anyone and everyone, without discrimination, even the people who annoy me or piss me off, I still help them and do what I can to help them.

It just feels like I get fuck all in return.

Now I’m a big believer in karma, but shit me up a fucking wall, when will karma turn round and think, hmm he’s a decent guy, let’s put some good fortune his way. For many many moons, years and a lifetime now, I just get bad shit happening.

But fuck you karma.

As I said, I do anything for anyone, and that is no exaggeration.

I barely ask for anything from life, all I ask for is to wake up everyday, and be healthy, and for my kids to be happy and healthy, and my loved ones, yeah you guessed it, to be happy and healthy.

All I see is people getting what I want from life.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking for millions, I don’t want a big massive expensive house, I don’t want a fucking private plane, yatch or a Ferrari.

I don’t want unlimited sex, drugs and rock and roll.

I don’t want to be famous, or rich or even to be anyone special.

Fuck me, is it just too much to ask for an easy life, maybe even be out of debt, and not have £20,000 debt hanging onto me like a ball and chain, maybe even a nice looking car?

One of them things would be a luxury, but every single one seems way way out of reach.

Is it too much to be noticed? Is it too much to be acknowledged? Is it too much to be recognised for what I do?

I’m not blowing my own trumpet, but I’m far from fucking lazy, I’ve worked every day of my life since leaving school. Barely book amy holiday for myself, for the past 7 years, I’ve used most of the days I’ve booked off for hospital appointments, for my son. Apart from last week, that was for me. But still just about a holiday at my home away from home, not even a full on paid for hoiday, I ended up using 2 days of that on someone’s fucking car, and getting nothing more than a thank you haha.

For shits and giggles, swings and roundabouts eh?

The day after I left school, I started my apprenticeship, worked damn hard for 3 years to complete that.

Some months, I’ve even worked every hour under the sun and countless under the moon too.

I work hard, I really do, but I barely get recognised for it.

Every now and then I get a thank you, which means the world to me, it does honest, but I know I can do a lot more, I just never get given the chance to prove myself.

Fuck me, is it because I stammer? People think he can’t even talk, how can he do anything else? Maybe that’s it I dunno anymore.

Maybe it’s just my fuck ups that get remembered, not my successes? That must be it.

Seriously, I honestly don’t fucking know.

I don’t particularly care either.

I’m fucking 33 years old, if my time was going to come, it would have by now, maybe I missed it? Maybe it’s already come and gone? Maybe I was just too distracted by being controlled and manipulated? Maybe I’ve just missed my chance.

Jesus fuck, I sound proper depressing don’t I?

Maybe I’m just overthinking shit this week. Maybe I’m not thinking enough.

Maybe I should just get off my arse and do something about it?

Shit, I’m sick and tired of trying. Everything I try just backfires or doesn’t catch momentum

Maybe I’m just destined to be this person forever, you know the kind that dies with debt hanging over him, just another nobody, and when my loved ones pass along too, then I won’t even be just a memory.

Fuck that’s my biggest fear, obviously after something happening to my kids and shit, my biggest fear is not being remembered, just being one of them that just isn’t there anymore.

Hey I’m on my own most the tine anyway, for fuck sake I’ll even be watching the football game of my life, Sunday on my fucking own haha, depressing eh? One thing I would love to experience with my friends and family, and I’ll be sat there shouting at the England squad all on my Todd. Haha damn that’s fucked eh?

Fuck, I’m a depressing mother fucker tonight, aren’t I?

I just want to make something of my life, I want to experience true life, true success, real experiences.

FUCK IT!!!!!

Fuck it, I’ll never give up, I’ll never let life take me down a road of no return.

I’m a strong ass mother fucker, on the inside at least, nothing will keep me down, in a couple of days I’ll be back to my normal self, causing trouble, fucking about playing up my mates.

I’m allowed to feel this way at times, so let me just be.

Let me wallow in a bit of self loathing and self pitty, just a couple more days.

I can feel sorry for myself for a few more days, I don’t have to brighten up.

I deserve the right to sink into a bit of self pitty and self hate now and then, I work hard for these moments, just let me have them.

Shit, I can sink into a few nights of loosing myself into depressionville whilst listening to some amazing music.

It’s my fucking life, it’s fuckednin many way, but don’t worry, I still got a lot to live for, I also won’t be in this position for long.

For now, I’ll put myself into that horizontal pose, eyes closed and some tunes playing in the background, turn off my mind and loose myself into nothingness, hey it helps, don’t like it? Meh ….. that’s all you will get out of me haha.

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THEPLAINANDSIMPLEGUY

Categories:Rob's Blog

Tags: annoyed, blog, blogging, depression, depressionville, frustrated, fuck it, meh, mental health, pissed